Abstraction

What does it mean to dream?

What is a dream? Lying within and sparking to life at a single thought--this is a dream. Latent, slumbering, essential, the vision that, though unformed, seems to bring with it the path of life--this is a dream. From youth an inner hunger that cannot die, though denied and starved through a lifetime of duty--this is a dream.

It can be ambiguous or specific. It can be many-faceted or single-faced, obsessive. It can surface differently at different times of life--a painful yearning for somewhere else now and a desperate need to travel to Ireland later--but it is always within the diamond casket of your soul, burning and burning to escape and breathe, to grow and lick away at the false structure of life with its ravenous beautiful flames.

It is fire in the blood. It is night with a single star. It is the innocent breeze on your cheek. It is all this, and it is nothing. It is inescapable and easy to ignore.

What does it mean to dream?

Without a dream you are nothing. With a dream sometimes you are nothing, too, because a dream carries with it the dull knowledge that no matter how hard you strive you can never fully live it out, you will never find the perfect representation of that vision that seeks expression within your heart.

But with a dream you are everything, because you are living on all cylinders. You are striving toward something beyond, and you are choosing every moment to seek until you find. Whether your dream is travel, or education, or business, or photography, or wine, or cathedrals, or color, once you step into the cascade you join the River of Life and become truly alive for those moments. You swim in the sea of mystery. You breathe deep the air of freedom.

What does it mean to dream?

It means you never stop facing yourself with brutal honesty. You admit laziness, pain, bitterness, incompetency, and you go on. You make yourself room to fail, and you succeed. You strike out into the unknown without the assurance of salvation. You fail at explaining yourself to others but you still keep trying.

This is what it means to dream, a little.

What does it mean to you?

Courage in Creativity

my first painting in ten years

Let's face it: it takes some guts to create, to create anything! First and looming large in the consciousness, there's the knowledge that I have the chance of creating something stupid, or faulty, or just plain negligible. Then there's the always-present possibility that I could be laughed at, mocked, or--worst--ignored. And then what if, as I undergo the process of creation, I am changed? What if I become different somehow than I am now, and what if I don't like myself so much then?

Right now I'm beginning work on a novel. It's going to be based on my childhood  in the very conservative Christian homeschooling movement, and on my experiences 'coming-of-age' in the Real World. Deep down, I feel impelled to write this book, no matter how long it takes me to write, no matter who I offend, no matter what the end product looks like. But I must admit I'm petrified.

the wise fool who speaks in riddles

Baggage. That's what I've accumulated in my 27 years on earth, and I'm going to have to open some of it if I write this book. I will have to face some deep church-related wounding within me--years of control, boredom, frustration, and most of all, effort. And as I intend to spend a lot of time listening to others who have come from the same background I will have to face their baggage too. There is much that is beautiful in my background (and my family was outstanding) but much that was twisted and ugly too. I'm afraid of the pain that I'll have to weather in exposing all this to myself and then, through my book, to the world.

Fear. What I have to say isn't all positive. I have no desire to write an expose, but if I'm going to write this book, I'm not going to tiptoe around everyone's 'sacred cows'. Because more and more I am convinced that there isn't any point in me writing anything if I cannot be true about it. I'm afraid of what others will think. Even to the point of pondering a pseudonym. But why would I publish anything of which I'm not proud?

fighting the dragon

More fear. What if, after all, I'm no good and I can't really do it? What if I talk about my novel, research my novel, make a few half-hearted stabs at my novel, and in the end have to acknowledge that anything I have to write isn't making it through the veil, that my craft is weak, and that I should after all stick to writing articles on hiking trails and restaurant cuisine? What if I fail?

I'm sure I could extend this list, and I think in future posts I will explore each topic separately. But for now I want to share my current conclusions. I must trust. I must trust that I was created with a big enough gift for communicating what I simply must say. I must trust that the passion building within me has a purpose and an outlet, and that others will really want and need to hear it. I must trust that if I embark on this project it will someday come to an end, a beautiful end, though possibly different than I intended. I must trust.

What is one fear you face when you create?

Honesty

exhaustion--the other side of motherhood

It's hard to be honest sometimes--certainly with others but mostly with myself. Growing up one thing that was never tolerated was any kind of untruth, and I have always prided myself on my honesty. But as I grow older I'm learning that honesty isn't quite so easy to quantify, that there are many layers in a human heart and mind, and that just figuring out what's happening within--much less admitting it--can be excruciating and at times impossible.

The important thing to realize is that without honesty no relationship will flourish--it may appear to, but it is growth without foundation, foliage without roots. Whether it is friendship, romance, or collaboration, honesty must suffuse the relationship.

Honesty of thought, acknowledging truthfully to myself what I'm actually thinking, admitting and allowing myself to feel rage, frustration, love, appreciation, fear, confusion. Honesty of action, within the bounds of courtesy letting my movements speak truly of my inner state, without resorting to the hidden games of banging doors, manipulating, crowding, or clinging. Honesty of speech, actually saying what I mean without letting it build until it explodes the doors of my soul and decimates others, communicating as much as possible exactly what I think and not trying to couch the words in roundabout phrases that might shelter me from conflict.

I must acknowledge that while I see the importance of honesty, I often don't know how to live it.

What do you think about honesty? 

What I Wish I'd Known As a Teenager

Teen Week 2012 is a blog project hosted by body image warrior Medicinal Marzipan. Bloggers from around the world will be posting on topics related to self-esteem in teenage-hood. I'm honored to participate.





Growing up in a very conservative setting as I did, clothes were a big problem for me as a teenager. It was the late 90's, and I desperately wanted to fit in. All around me I saw stylish girls wearing tight pants, form-fitting tops, earrings, makeup, and elaborate nails. That was outside, 'in the world'. Closer to home were long loose skirts, loose tops, long hair, no makeup, and very little jewelry. These two images clashed horribly within me. The first was labeled "pretty" and "popular" in my mind and the second "holy" and "right".

What makes me sad now is that I never looked within for direction--and this wasn't only in the area of fashion. I was caught between a couple of boxes in the 'what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up' department as well. It was either 'have a career' or 'be a mom'. Neither of which appealed to me all that much, to be frank. But somehow it never occurred to me that I was unique. I had a unique style, a unique perspective, and a unique destiny. No one could tell me who I was--only I could find myself.

And so this is what I say to teenaged girls everywhere: Figure yourselves out. Don't be afraid to try different clothes on, and different accents. Read books and learn what other people outside your world are doing. Go to thrift stores or learn to sew your own clothes. Learn new hobbies, make new friends. And don't be ashamed to be different from those around you. It may cause pain--you may be rejected, you may make faux-pas, you may become horribly embarrassed. But if you can be yourself, imperfect and lovely, you will find that freedom grows around you. You'll be too big to be boxed in by a movement or a fad. You can't be labeled, you can't be ignored.

For those of us who left the teen years behind years ago, I say the same. We can only be ourselves--let's be the best we can be.