Belonging

We all feel the almost unbearable urge to fit in somehow, to pull together the fringes of the world into place around us in the shape of family, friends, job, entertainment, clothing. We also have a sense that this is a symptom of the herd mentality and to be scorned, a shame which causes us to apply and reject the labels so frequently used: hipster, ghetto, nerd. But it is a universal necessity to belong. We seek esteem of whatever qualities in us we deem estimable--a hair cut, our ability with computers, holiness like a patched and shredded garment. Who we are often cannot stand alone. And I'm not sure it should. Fellowship is the basic emotional/spiritual need, the cry that goes deeper than Maslow's hierarchy.

See how we shift the upholstery of our souls? How this one assumes the skinny jean/shipster look and that one the pencil skirt/intelligentsia look--changing the upholstery, and sometimes the attitudes, that cover the still-beating heart and blood.

So in this sense we are shallow creatures, changeable, malleable. Ready to give up one skin for another, assuming actions, mannerisms, thought patterns like chameleons. But in another way we are sublime for this trait, for we recognize the trappings which seem to us admirable and pursue them, and our souls achieve a momentary apotheosis. It will not last, but the transformation has made us divine for a moment. It has also brought us one step closer to other souls--we have reached out of the forsaken splendor of our own souls and into the territory of another spirit.

Fellowship. The urge to belong. Part of the human condition, the splendor and the squalor.

Honesty

exhaustion--the other side of motherhood

It's hard to be honest sometimes--certainly with others but mostly with myself. Growing up one thing that was never tolerated was any kind of untruth, and I have always prided myself on my honesty. But as I grow older I'm learning that honesty isn't quite so easy to quantify, that there are many layers in a human heart and mind, and that just figuring out what's happening within--much less admitting it--can be excruciating and at times impossible.

The important thing to realize is that without honesty no relationship will flourish--it may appear to, but it is growth without foundation, foliage without roots. Whether it is friendship, romance, or collaboration, honesty must suffuse the relationship.

Honesty of thought, acknowledging truthfully to myself what I'm actually thinking, admitting and allowing myself to feel rage, frustration, love, appreciation, fear, confusion. Honesty of action, within the bounds of courtesy letting my movements speak truly of my inner state, without resorting to the hidden games of banging doors, manipulating, crowding, or clinging. Honesty of speech, actually saying what I mean without letting it build until it explodes the doors of my soul and decimates others, communicating as much as possible exactly what I think and not trying to couch the words in roundabout phrases that might shelter me from conflict.

I must acknowledge that while I see the importance of honesty, I often don't know how to live it.

What do you think about honesty? 

St. Patrick's Day

Three years ago I was sitting next to a good friend eating corned beef and cabbage and decided to send a text to the man who was becoming my friend; I didn't know with what joy he received it, how he showed it to his friends, and how he pulled up my website and said to his parents, "This is the girl I'm going to marry someday."

Three years later, we are making breakfast together, bumping happily into each other and waltzing while the coffee brewed. Our precious daughter kicks and coos nearby. We have three years of life lived intensely behind us and a whole lifetime ahead.

What a gift is true love, how rare, and how priceless. Dear M., I treasure you with every particle of my being and anticipate learning to love you more deeply every day for the rest of my life.

Happy Saint Paddy's Day!

People Are Fragile Things

I recently discovered this band from Birmingham, England. (I must note that another wonderful band, Black Sabbath, originated in this city.) Editors list U2, Joy Division, and REM among their influences; this is patently evident in their dark, rich sound. This song is from their first album, "The Back Room".

Enjoy! What is your favorite current band?

The Gift of Silence in Friendship

We had the gift of a good friend's presence overnight and this morning. As always, her smiling face brought answering smiles to ours, her industry in the kitchen inspired our own culinary creativity, and her determined peace exemplified the internal journey of selfhood through often overwhelming life-trials.

Usually when she comes we talk and laugh and share anecdotes of our lives, but this time I felt sulky. Even though terrified of being a bad hostess, I still could not force myself to interact much. The was, I needed to be alone. I needed to read and ponder until I had finished my current book (Villette, Charlotte Bronte). I needed time to sit and wonder over my infant's imperative elbowing me in the ribs. I needed coffee, consumed in grateful silence.

I informed my friend, with hesitation, of my feelings, and was delightfully surprised when she laughed and said she could use a good quiet reading morning herself. So we made coffee (with molasses and ginger), sat next to each other, and read! I found myself gradually opening up and by the end of the morning we had a wonderful chat before parting

A good friend is one with whom you can be silent, without offense. Thanks, D., for being such a great friend! I'd pick flowers with you any day!